Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This is a stick up. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote!
Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
For those who r married as well as for those who will get Married...
Sharing a few thoughts for would - be grooms
For Would-Be Grooms:
Rule.No.1 - Never compare your mamma's cooking with your wife's!
There is no faster way to dig your own grave than that! Please understand that your mom's cooking has the backing of 20 odd years of experience....don't expect that from your wife whose hardly into the process! What if she were to compare your earning capacity with her dad's!!! So shshshhhhh....!!!
Rule.No.2 : Never go out of your way to please the lady with flowers, chocolates and gifts during your engagement period. If ever you do , please follow it up post-wedding too! When you could cover 20kms in
15 minutes when you are engaged just to spend some time with her, how dare you forget her birthday post - marriage, even after you are given the broadest of hints by her!
Remember expectations always double...ever heard of them being halved???
Rule.No.3: Do compliment her every now and then, verbally or with gifts! What are those lovely Teddies and Archies gift cards for?
Don't sit there like the Lord Of The Rings expecting to be waited upon!
Of course she will do it but everyone likes to be appreciated and pampered!!!!
Rule.No.4: This is very important! Sulking or complaining about marriage being a big mistake is a strict NO -NO!! You got into it with your eyes wide open, brimming with enthusiasm!! No one ever pushed you into it! So why this drama now!
Rule.No.5: Be Brave and take your own decisions and stand up by them!! Consult your parents for advice but realise that you are grown up enough to lead your life! Respect your partner's views at all times!
Remember she has given up a lot more to make a life with you!!
Sharing thoughts for Would - be Brides. (Don't know how many will take it in the right sense. But still...)
1. Don't expect too much from him. Less the expectations lesser the disappointments.
2. Don't ever dare to plan any outing or movie on a day when there is an interesting cricket match going on. REMEMBER SPORTS
3. Over Emotions, Sentiments... Woha... What are these? Tears are not going to give any results either. It's just a temp. attention tht u get. No one likes Cry Babies m Whining Wifes.
4. Never dare to cross with his mother.Even if he says "My Mom's cooking is the best. U are nothing in front of her." take it easily with a smile. Tell him tht u are learning from his mother and will try to do it better. U are not gonna lose anything!
5. Try to know his friends and understand that they are also part of his world.Allow him to spend few weekends or occasional night out parties with his friends.But at the same time make sure that u get u r due importance! It must not be tht he roams arnd with his friends forgetting that you exist at home.
6. Don't start fighting for silly things.Forgetting bthdays n Anniversaries is not a big mistake. Men are not blessed with 2 GB RAM for storing everything in main memory.If you are very particular abt present gifts n parties on u r bthdays n anniversaries.make sure u remind them well in advance by some means (I know it sounds stupid. But if u are so particular, Do it for u r own good)
7. Take him for your shopping only if he's interested.If you are going for Window Shopping or for saree purchase,Better go with your friends/go alone.He is better at office/home watching cricket.
8. Give him importance always. Show due care and affection.Tht's the only way to win a guy's mind.
For Would-Be Grooms:
Rule.No.1 - Never compare your mamma's cooking with your wife's!
There is no faster way to dig your own grave than that! Please understand that your mom's cooking has the backing of 20 odd years of experience....don't expect that from your wife whose hardly into the process! What if she were to compare your earning capacity with her dad's!!! So shshshhhhh....!!!
Rule.No.2 : Never go out of your way to please the lady with flowers, chocolates and gifts during your engagement period. If ever you do , please follow it up post-wedding too! When you could cover 20kms in
15 minutes when you are engaged just to spend some time with her, how dare you forget her birthday post - marriage, even after you are given the broadest of hints by her!
Remember expectations always double...ever heard of them being halved???
Rule.No.3: Do compliment her every now and then, verbally or with gifts! What are those lovely Teddies and Archies gift cards for?
Don't sit there like the Lord Of The Rings expecting to be waited upon!
Of course she will do it but everyone likes to be appreciated and pampered!!!!
Rule.No.4: This is very important! Sulking or complaining about marriage being a big mistake is a strict NO -NO!! You got into it with your eyes wide open, brimming with enthusiasm!! No one ever pushed you into it! So why this drama now!
Rule.No.5: Be Brave and take your own decisions and stand up by them!! Consult your parents for advice but realise that you are grown up enough to lead your life! Respect your partner's views at all times!
Remember she has given up a lot more to make a life with you!!
Sharing thoughts for Would - be Brides. (Don't know how many will take it in the right sense. But still...)
1. Don't expect too much from him. Less the expectations lesser the disappointments.
2. Don't ever dare to plan any outing or movie on a day when there is an interesting cricket match going on. REMEMBER SPORTS
3. Over Emotions, Sentiments... Woha... What are these? Tears are not going to give any results either. It's just a temp. attention tht u get. No one likes Cry Babies m Whining Wifes.
4. Never dare to cross with his mother.Even if he says "My Mom's cooking is the best. U are nothing in front of her." take it easily with a smile. Tell him tht u are learning from his mother and will try to do it better. U are not gonna lose anything!
5. Try to know his friends and understand that they are also part of his world.Allow him to spend few weekends or occasional night out parties with his friends.But at the same time make sure that u get u r due importance! It must not be tht he roams arnd with his friends forgetting that you exist at home.
6. Don't start fighting for silly things.Forgetting bthdays n Anniversaries is not a big mistake. Men are not blessed with 2 GB RAM for storing everything in main memory.If you are very particular abt present gifts n parties on u r bthdays n anniversaries.make sure u remind them well in advance by some means (I know it sounds stupid. But if u are so particular, Do it for u r own good)
7. Take him for your shopping only if he's interested.If you are going for Window Shopping or for saree purchase,Better go with your friends/go alone.He is better at office/home watching cricket.
8. Give him importance always. Show due care and affection.Tht's the only way to win a guy's mind.
Life in the Australian Army
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small
town west Of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on
the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart
before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because
ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like
sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is
make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its
not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a
light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time
all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the
windmill in the back paddock!!
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno
why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum
and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
their prize cows before the Ekka last year! You don't even load
your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and
ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug, Phil, Jack, Boori, Steve and Muzza all at once
like we do at home
after the muster.Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and I've only
been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers, but I fought him till
the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to
get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small
town west Of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on
the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart
before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because
ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like
sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is
make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its
not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a
light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time
all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the
windmill in the back paddock!!
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno
why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum
and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
their prize cows before the Ekka last year! You don't even load
your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and
ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not
like fighting with Doug, Phil, Jack, Boori, Steve and Muzza all at once
like we do at home
after the muster.Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and I've only
been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers, but I fought him till
the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to
get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter
LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS:
** An application was for employment
** A program was a TV show
** A cursor used profanity
** A keyboard was a piano!
** Memory was something that you lost with age
** A CD was a bank account!
** And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out!
** Compress was something you did to garbage, Not something you did to a file
** If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!
** Log on was adding wood to a fire
** Hard drive was a long trip on the road
** A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
** And a backup happened to your commode!
** Cut - you did with a pocket knife
** Paste - you did with glue
** A web was a spider's home
** And a virus was the flu!
** A program was a TV show
** A cursor used profanity
** A keyboard was a piano!
** Memory was something that you lost with age
** A CD was a bank account!
** And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out!
** Compress was something you did to garbage, Not something you did to a file
** If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!
** Log on was adding wood to a fire
** Hard drive was a long trip on the road
** A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
** And a backup happened to your commode!
** Cut - you did with a pocket knife
** Paste - you did with glue
** A web was a spider's home
** And a virus was the flu!
Telemarketeers !!
10 ways to stop those credit card sales, idea/hutch/airtel , insurance calls etc..and if they don't stop, at least you've had your fun!!
1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...louder...louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............"
9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the ICICI call center number.
1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...louder...louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............"
9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the ICICI call center number.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Reason why never visit a 5 Star Hotel
Question : " What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please "
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Answer: "tea please "
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
My take on Chain mails..
Hii...
I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004 & 2005 and 2006.
Because of your kindness:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS
I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.
When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland or my Laptop !!.
Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh Vandana,Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..and i was facing miracles everysecond by forwarding such mails
Now most of those "love Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!
I know how important my friends are to me, I'll always remember them no matter I remember my work or not
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least
786 people in the next 60 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today at 6:30 p.m. sharp.
Give me a break!!
"The World Is Filled WIth Foolish Ppl And Some Think They Got Talent Too !!!"
I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004 & 2005 and 2006.
Because of your kindness:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS
I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.
When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland or my Laptop !!.
Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh Vandana,Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..and i was facing miracles everysecond by forwarding such mails
Now most of those "love Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!
I know how important my friends are to me, I'll always remember them no matter I remember my work or not
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least
786 people in the next 60 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today at 6:30 p.m. sharp.
Give me a break!!
"The World Is Filled WIth Foolish Ppl And Some Think They Got Talent Too !!!"
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